Getting it Done

I often have trouble getting things done.

This is really embarrassing for me, because I love to learn and do all kinds of creative things.

It’s usually when I attempt something new. It doesn’t have to be something amazing, just something a little different from what I’ve done before. I can become paralyzed by fear of failure, or just fear of not doing very well, or of not doing it the right way. Sometimes I’m so afraid of doing a bad job that I kick the can down the road until either someone else does it or it becomes irrelevant.

It would feel way better to try and fail instead of just giving up. At least that way you tried, right? At least now you know you can’t do it, instead of just supposing, and that knowledge has some value. But logic doesn’t count for much against a dumb emotional glitch embedded in your brain chemistry by millions of years of evolution.

Paralysis doesn’t always get the best of me. Many times I breeze through new experiences like a normal person, and I feel great. And many times, through a great force of will, I eventually push through the paralysis and get it done anyway. But then I reprimand myself in retrospect that it was really such an easy task, and I should have never have had a problem with it in the first place, so that even in success, I find a way to feel bad about myself.

That really needs to stop. I’m sick of that shit.

I decided to write this mostly to force myself to think about it. Maybe if I’m actively conscious of these self-destructive feelings it will be easier to push through to do better. I want to have more proud moments and fewer regrets.